Well, I don't know what is worse. Decluttering your life or decluttering your mind. Both serve a purpose and sometimes one of them leads to the other. In the process of choosing belongings to keep or give away I found some old morning pages(kind of like a diary). Several books of them. And in reading them I understand why people think I am an embellisher of more then embroidery. Every single one of them says the same thing. I will change my life for the better, bring myself some peace, empower myself and yet here I am however many years later still procrastinating(as of yesterday). Kind of like playing the same broken record year after year and expecting it not to be broken.
I'm not really the same person who wrote all those morning pages or should I call them mourning pages. I'm different in every single way except one. I always expect a savior to come and save me from myself. Someone to come and help me decide which things I love enough to keep. Someone who will not make me take responsibility for all the stupid choices I made. Someone who will save me from the heartache of leaving one life behind and starting another. Someone who will be my mother. I think what it all comes down to is I lost the most important person in my life and could never replace her. My mother was the one person who just loved me no matter what and she wasn't just your run of the mill mother, she was everything to me and my brother. Our protector, our friend, our companion, everything. It was a wonderful feeling to know that you have that one person who no matter what you did loved you anyway. But perhaps she protected and loved us too much, as her loss shaped every single moment of my life after that.
I was a cruise ship with no captain, floating around the ocean hitting icebergs, running low on fuel and finally sinking in a grand old public forum. I guess it was just easier to find replacements then to just grow up and accept responsibility for myself. And now that I am taking responsiblity for myself I realize what misery and grief can do to a grownup never mind a kid. That's what I am a big kid.
I started things and never finished them, I had big dreams but never went after them, I allowed other people to run and control my life. I just never took responsibility for anything except my son. Thank god for him or I would be dead for sure by now. I thought I came to terms with her loss back on her death anniversary, but I was just putting off the inevitable realization that I have been chasing my tail since her death, not staying stagnant but not moving on either. I guess it is easier to be miserable and nothing then it is to rise above your lot in life and be something. On the bright side I decided I want to be something now. I want to be an independent strong woman who lives her life the way she always wanted to on purpose.
So while I'm moving forward on the clutter release, I'm releasing the responsibility for my mother to be my one guiding light and I'm going to follow my heart, my intuition and my dreams and when I'm done I will have the life I am worthy of instead of depending on what others think of my worth. My mother thought I was quite worthy.
A little deep and I know it's probably not what you want to read, but I've made a decision to be authentic and just say what is going on in my heart and mind and take responsibilty for my life. I have come quite far, I am a working artist, I have my own shop on Etsy, I write my own blog and I will march proudly to the next part of my life. If you would like to comment privately you can email me at das813@hotmail.com or leave a comment. And once again if you wonder how I can bear my soul like this day after day I think God doesn't give you these experiences for no reason. Everything in our lives has a purpose and everyone who hides these feelings has to dig down and find the courage to share them. We are not alone.
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